I'll be 51 in a couple of weeks and I find the "it ain't that big a deal" is even more of my overall theme than it has been for ten years now. If I had to pin point a major turning points in my life, it was my divorce then the death of my parents almost a decade later.
You know everyone, well more than half now, get divorced but I want to talk about what that transaction did to me... for the sake of my own validation as well as for those of you that may have felt the same, maybe more, maybe less. I totally understand that many people do well during and after a divorce and then there are some that are bitter, depressed and resentful.
It was a long, very long journey for me. It was horrible, then numbing then understandable. I know we all know about the phases of grief and I agree with the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance but no matter what, most of the time its just "fonky".
I'm one to talk but not to talk negatively about anyone especially the father of my children. I would rather talk about "change" which is a great way to think about divorce. I want to explain what I know and that is how change affected me. Life without my partner and life without my parents.
I am a sucker for new things, new paths, new people, new experiences, new adventures and etc, but change when you really didn't want it or you know it is inevitable, is hard.
Naturally I am a different person than I was at 18, at 28, 38, 48 and now almost 51. I must admit that wearing out the ears and patience of my good friends helped. My mom used to tell me "don't worry about things you have no control over". It's so true. It's hard, but its true. I have this quest to control things, I'll be the first to admit it and its been hard to learn that in life, most things I don't have control over. What happens, happens sometimes.
There are times that I think about how other people are dealing with life and then I realize that it doesn't really matter, its how I deal with my life that counts. I can only control my own happiness. I care about others but people will heal at the rate they are willing to heal. Same with me. I liked being in that place for a long time. It was safe to dwell on the past, what I knew and so scary to start over.
I went to a "few" counselors at the beginning. One of them even tried "deep hypnotic therapy" which I'm not sure really worked any better than the time I was hypnotized at Ricochet's in 1980"s on stage under the influence of alcohol. Anyway I like to tell this story because its so true. Anyway, as the therapist is putting me "under" she asked me to remember my childhood and if I felt abandoned and such and I don't know, I like snapped out of it and just talked normal, not like the exorcist or anything. I was like, "I was always unsupervised because my parents were exhausted by the time I came along and they just let me do". Then she asked me, "Was there anything that you think was a moment in your life that you felt cheated, betrayed and not validated"? (Now I'm assuming that she thinks I'm really under her trance) and I was honest and said, "I had an awesome childhood and the only thing I can think of that messed me up psychologically was the fact that I wasn't on the Homecoming Court"! She stops and is speechless. I start laughing and she says, "really"? I was like yes, really. I laughed because I was serious and truthful but she had no idea if I was really joking or serious. Anyway, I didn't go back to her and I did find a great therapist that I literally loved to talk to and I keep thinking about going back because it feels so good to talk to a counselor and let them validate your fears and feelings.
Thank God, I have the gift of humor, because I think that it has saved me many times from the dark side of myself,
The therapist I love to talk to told me wonderful things that I felt were true and he reminded me of things that my mother used to tell me. One thing he did tell me was, "You have wonderful childlike qualities and a wonderful insight about yourself and this is so enticing to people. It makes them want to know you more, you shouldn't ever have trouble making friends and finding true love again". You know this is true for everyone, we all have something special inside of us and we lose track of that when we are sad, we forget and just have to be reminded by others sometimes.
Now he did fuss at my decisions and actions and guided me to making better choices about coping with change.
okay, getting sleepy.,.,..to be continued. As you can see, all of my stories never end.
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